But I hate being second best.

I don’t mean that I want to win at anything, or that I want people to like me best.
I just don’t want to be cancelled out for other people all the time.
So I’m supposed to be going out on wednesday with my friend, but she won’t stay at my house because she’ll be staying with her boyfriend. And okay, I get that they want to spend time together and stuff, but I just feel like now I don’t want to go out on wednesday.
What’s the point in me going out with her when he’ll decide what time they’ll leave etc. And I just know that the whole time i’ll be getting the ‘I want to be with my boyfriend’ feeling

Like it sounds stupid, but Louise said she’d come to my new years party at my grans. But she didn’t, because she went to town with her new bff. Like I just, don’t get it. It sounds so stupid and selfsh, but I can’t even explain why it makes me feel so bad.
It just makes me want to cry, because I feel like I’m not important to these people anymore.
I’m having enough trouble trying to work out who I am/who I want to be, and in the middle of all this I feel like noone wantsme anyway, and if noone cares what’s even the point?

I wish I didn’t have friends, it would makes things so much easier.

Okay, so noone has posted on here for a long time. This would be because Louise does not currently posses the internet, and I’m into Tumblr. Ha.
www.charlotteunscripted.tumblr.com
I seem to have gorgotten that I actually posses this blogging site. It’s odd, because sometimes you only want to post a picture. And also, I know people actually read my tumblr, and it is unlikely that anyone besies me, Louise or perhaps Bethany will actually read this. So just to say …. GET TUMBLR FOOL

That is all. x

I don’t really know if I’m ready for the next few weeks. I don’t really know if I’m happy with everything that has happened over the last few months. But I sure as hell underestimated myself. I passed my A Levels. I got into my first choice of university. I was absolutely certain that this would not happen. If someone had asked me two weeks ago what I thought my chance of getting into my first choice university was, I would have said there is more chance of me marrying Gary Sinise. Who, let’s admit, or maybe you won’t, so it’s just me pouring out my heart here, is really quite amazing.

Back to the nub of my story, the very tiny walk from the computers in the library to the tables in chairs on the other side of the room felt like the longest of my life, because I could not feel my legs. For at least a week previously every time I switched on the news, all I heard was that thousands of students around the country would not get into university at all. And all I felt was guilt. There was me, who did no work for the last two years, standing in silence (yes, silence) because I’d gotten what everybody wanted, and I wasn’t ready for it! I’ve put it off for a year, and there are people that can’t go, and they’d worked damn hard for it. And I did next to no work.

But words can’t really describe how I feel at the moment. My best friends did so incredibly well, and I’m so proud of them that even saying I’m So Incredibly Proud Of You feels like an understatement. And I don’t even know if they know how much they mean to me. It all started so well. It probably is still well. I don’t think it’s well. I miss them. And they’re all going to university in a month. It’s not the fact that I’m not going yet, that’s not what bothers me at all. It’s the idea of them being away. We can’t all gather up at the pub at the send of a text. I should have tried harder. I’ve got a month left, so I should try, shouldn’t I? Ah see, but I do. But something in me makes me scared of talking to my own friends. I get scared of sending texts to the whole group, organising something. When I think about it, it doesn’t seem like I try at all. I feel that people think that I think that they should make the effort. But that’s not what I think. Not at all. I’m shy, and I’m quiet, and I’m reserved, and I learn much more about people by sitting there, not in the conversation much, but by listening to them. That makes me happier. It probably seems v. antisocial, and I apologise from the bottom of my heart. I love listening to my friends chatting away at each other, making fun of the one sitting next to them, laughing at my attempts to play pool, even just sitting there just watching the telly. The fact that they are there, with me, makes me feel content. I’m not the kind of person that need fill silences with awkward chatter. I’m happy things being quiet. That makes it sound like I like things to be quiet all the time, I don’t. Sometimes noise and chaos and laughter are just what you need for a good day, something to remember, something that will make you continue smiling until the next morning, and you have to wake up, and then tread in a puddle of cat sick.

It makes me ache to continue thinking that in a month, everyone will be moving on with their lives, and that part of me is so happy for them. It’s what they deserve, they’re the best people I’ve ever had in my life. But then another part of me is terrified that they’ll forget. I don’t want to be forgotten again.

I can’t really take much more disruption in my life. I had accepted that things have to change as life goes on, that I understand. Everything had settled down. But then it got messed up, again. When a person you hold so close to your heart goes missing, that bit of your heart goes missing too. You try and pull it together, so no one can see. But inside you’re crumbling, and all you want is to curl up and not think until it solves itself, because there is nothing you can do to help. Feeling useless is the worst thing. There is nothing you can do. Even if the worst possible news came along, it would be solid, something knowing. Something that can’t be thought about in millions of what if’s, because that doesn’t matter any more. At least you’d know. Not knowing is the thing that tears you up inside. People try to help, take your mind off of it. It’s all I can expect, and I’m grateful beyond anything. But it doesn’t work like that. I cannot physically take it any more.

So here is what is currently bouncing off the walls inside my head.

That seemed to take a lot of time for such a small amount of pictures.

I miss you

x

Okay, so I know I said I would make everything relevant to my politics or history revision, however I have now fibnished my history exam and I am just not in the mood for politics right now.
So for the moment I am going to focus on things I am looking forward to. Like tonight, this is going down:

And this is VERY exciting (: I got on the guest list (: So it’s Louise and I tonight, going to Aldershot, to listen to our favourite band. And look at them, because they’re very sexy. It’s feel klike years sice we saw them last, although it hasn’t been. I just needed something like this in my life. One night to just chillax and listen to music and dance my little heart out and shout ‘i love you’ a copious amounts of times (: One night off from dicussing how conservatism is a ruling ideology or how ecolgoy suggesta a dramatically different relationship between humans and the biosphere to traditional ideologies. My head is full of this crap. And it hurts my brain.
So today I have completed 4 essay plans. And this is all. As I feel I deserve a break, though I admit that it is dangerously close to my exam to be warranting a break. Tomorrow I have work, oh the joy. And hopefully, as I asked two managers, Sunday I am free to do some relaxing essay plans and once more dicuss how anarchism is liberal individualism taken to its logical extreme and how the differences that separate feminism are more significant than those that divide them. JOY! But for now. I relax.
And I think about 6 weeks from now. When Bethany and I will be here:

Las Ramblas in Barcelona.
Okay, perhaps we’ll be at the docks, or shopping (window!!!), or we could be having a meal, or perhaps at a lovely bar, or maybe just setting up camp in our hotel room. Wherever we are, it’ll be in Barcelona. And this excites me. We will only have been there for a couple of hours. And I’ll be shaking with excitment at the prospect of another 4 days without my parents, with my Id proving me over the age of 18 and with my friend. My good friend. We were discussing how best friend is a horrible term, it’s selective and it makes you rate your friends. And would say that I have a few best friend, if we must call them that, and Bethany Alice White is one of them (:

Oh I do hope things stay this positive

FailGirl:OverAndOut
xoxo

I’ve not been here for a while. That’s what a lack of Internet does to a person. But you’d think not having the Internet would make a person revise or do something that will indeed benefit me in the long term. No. I have an exam first thing in the morning and I have seventy-two case studies to revise and memorise.

I don’t have the heart.

When you feel like the world has crashed down, when in fact it is still there, like it’s always been, it’s even more frustrating than when it’s lying in pieces at your feet because you don’t know why it’s there. Or why it feels like it’s there, I should say. Except I know why, and it’s pathetic and I’m doomed to be forever irrational in my thoughts.

So, today I shall be updating you on my life for just a short period of time. I’ll then be trying to do some revision via blogging. I am resorting to everything now. For example my Tumblr is only allowed to be used if it to post something that is related to my politics course or to Tudor Foreign Policy (: Whooop, ha. I was about to write up an essay and send it to my history teacher, but I completed about 5 hours of revision today and I therefore think that I deserve to not have to do anything at home. I was at college from 9am until 3pm, and I completed an A3 sheet on Liberalism, including main themes, the division between classical and modern liberalism and quotes for sections I think it’s pretty cool. I made it all colourful aswell with my lovely lovely highlighters. It will be wierd tomorrow because it is a Saturday, which means that I’ll not be going into college for 8:50am, and I shall instead be going to work from 11:15-17:45. Oh yes, six and a half hours working for the lovely Argos. Oh joy (: Ha. I do enjoy work if I’m honest. Just because there are not people there that I dislike, so I find it fun and customers are generally nice And the only thing I really need to memorise are my mystery shopper points, which are the things I do for work anyway. Like having the correct uniform, smiling at customers and apologising if an item is out of stock. So; this is my life. At the moment it pretty much is. This week I have been to college, been to work and seen Amy. That is all. Okay, I’ve been home and I visited my gran for like an hour after work on Thursday, but still. My life is revision at the moment. Apart from right now. Okay, perhaps my life is not revision, but I feel like it is. Seems like it is all I am ever doing. I’m going into college for the full college day even though I do not have any lessons. I keep asking my teachers for advice and going over things. The good thing about this lifestyle is that I do not need to worry about upsetting people because I don’t speak to anyone pretty much Also, I now actually feel like I know things about Tudor Foreign Policy and Liberalism. I still need to learn some things about Conservatism, Socialism, Anarchism, Ecologism, Feminism, Multiculturalism and Nationalism – bugger. Ha!

So, Liberal core themes: Rationalism, Individualism, Freedom, Equality, Toleration and Justice.

Conservative core themes: Human Imperfection, Organic Society, Tradition, Propety and Authority and Hierarchy.

Socialist core themes: Cooperation, Community, Equality, Common Ownership and Class Politics

Anarchist core themes: Anti-Statism, Anti-Clericalism, Natural Order and Economic Freedom

Ecologist core themes: Environmental Ethics, Holism, Ecologism, Sustainability and ?Agh(Self-Actualization).

Feminist core themes: Patriarcy, Sex & Gender, Equality & Difference and Public/Private Divide

Mulitculturalist core themes: Minority Rights, Diversity, and I know there are two more ): Dangnabbit. need to revise this.

Nationalist core themes: Nation, State and Race.

Themes in History:
Religion – Henry VIII chopped the Roman off of Roman Catholic, Edward moved towards the Anglican religion, Mary returned to Catholicism and married the catholic king of Spain and Elizabeth made the country protestant (:

Economic stability – Henry VII was reasonably okay, because he bothered to be worried; Henry VIII was rich, but abused all the money he got via inheritance and the dissolution of the monasteries. Edward was poor. Mary was poor and Elizabeth was POOR. Like extremely poor. Lame.

Relationships with foreign powers: At the start of Henry VII’s reign the traditional ally was Spain and the traditional enemies were the auld alliance of France and Scotland. By the end of Elizabeth these countries had reversed roles, Spain was taking part in Armada against England and Elizabeth was aiding the religiously tolerant King Henry IV of France. Elizabeth had reversed the role of Scotland in foreign policy to the point that when she died England and Scotland were united under one King, James I of England and VI of Scotland.

Personalities – Each monarch bought a different personality to the throne. This developed their foreign policies. Henry VII very aware of national security, this was probably because he was a usurper, meaning he had a rival claiments to the throne. Henry VIII was all about glory. Edward and Mary had issues of national security due to their weak status as a minor and a woman. And although Elizabeth’s main concerns were being a strong monarch and national security she was too poor to have a major focus in her foreign policy other than economic gains.

Oh yeah

FailGirl:OverAndOut
xoxo

Our peanut butter and jam cake did not go to plan. We measured out the flour, and by we I mean Noor did as I stood nearby eating carrots and houmous, and then there was not enough butter. So James won by default. Damn.

I haven’t really anything to say. After that blog I wrote whilst in my free, when I could have been doing better things like practicing Transfiguration or going to Hogsmeade, there really isn’t anything I can say that looks somewhat intelligent and meaningful and like something people would want to read. I haven’t got anything to complain about, I have everything to smile about, and a lot of revision to do, but hello that can be done tomorrow when I am hungover and poor.

So I’m basically going to bombard you with pictures that speak a thousand words.

There was also vast amounts of alcohol, two barbeques, a pack of playing cards, a Playstation 2, John Tucker Must Die, new dresses, Owen’s hat, witty comments, my new jacket, lots of money spent, laughter, phone calls, appreciation of unlimited texting, a cake battle, a courgette, tea and coffee, pork-chop sandwiches (I refrained from eating one), Jack Daniels and lemonade, my new phone, and the realisation of how big I actually am.

Dang.

I thought I could do this.
You know when you’re hurting deep inside, and you put on a smile to fool everyone around. You don’t want them to see that you’re broken. For the first few days it was obvious, I wasn’t able to hide it, the pain read. But after I was praying that it looked like I was healing. While inside the pain was just cruising. Numbing me. And by now it shouldn’t sting. But that memory won’t leave. The one of me staring through the window wishing I could run like a vampire and follow him and stop him. Tell him that I was sorry, that I needed him and that he was everything. This sounds stupid. Knowing it was less than three weeks. But those 20 days, I wont say were the greatest, (I’ve lived ALOT of days) but they were it. They were what I loved. Walking around talking about sleeping bags and kendall mint cake. The feeling of wanting people to look at me. While I looked at him.

And now its gone. And the last thing I remember is crying his name, begging him to come back when I knew he couldn’t hear me. While I succumbed to the pain, I didn’t know it was for real. I thought it was going to be temporary. A bad day. If I’d known that that would have been the last time I would see him. I wouldn’t have let him get away. Not without a proper goodbye. Not just the cold nod I gave. I would have given him reason not to say goodbye. But I didn’t, and he did. And now I’m here. 18 days later still screaming to myself. Telling myself he will hear me one day. But speaking to him now, I know this wont change. And all I can do now is try and scream it all out, try and wash it all away and move on.

I can’t even sleep in my own bed. Because he was never there. I sleep on my sofa. Where he last was, when we were last happy. After Glee and some kendall mint cake, asleep on my sofa. Where even though asleep I could feel him and it made me safe, happy. And though I can’t smell him here anymore, I imagine it. That time when he laid here.

And thought I shouldn’t be I’m searching for him. In everyone else. Trying to find someone who duplicates him. Someone who can lay on my bed, and make me want to lay there again.

FailGirl:OverAndOut
xoxo

I am no longer a student of anything. I just have to take the exams to prove that I have learnt SOMETHING but hello, that’s not going to happen. I have had the most amazing weekend ever. It’s a shame I have no money now. I bought a new phone, but that’s another story.

Well actually, it’s not. I bought a new phone. That’s kind of it.

But despite having like, the most amazing weekend, like, you know, ever – my god, you can tell I’m a teenager – I really have nothing to say.

So I bid you farewell, I’m off to make a peanut butter and jam cake. Wish me luck, this could get messy.

x